I'm having suicidal thoughts, what do I need to know? I’ve had a hard life and have felt suicidal for a long time now… In-fact many tim...

Don't Let Your Suicidal Thoughts Be The Winner

I'm having suicidal thoughts, what do I need to know? I’ve had a hard life and have felt suicidal for a long time now… In-fact many times I have attempted to suicide. Still now I'm suicidal. STOP! Don't think I'm going to die now, I'm still safe and probably I will be. Sounds crazy? Yah, that's right, I said, "I'm having suicidal thoughts" but I'm not going to hurt myself. To clarify you, I'm adult and logical person, I don't believe in fiction but I love to create exciting moments in reality.
If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.
I don't want to die, I don't want to sacrifice my life, then why I'm having suicidal thoughts? My subconscious mind has a very strong potential thoughts that maybe forcing me to considering suicide. What it could be? Is it past or future?

Don't Let Your Suicidal Thoughts Win
Most of my mornings starts with thinking I’d be better off dead. But I’m quickly distracted by my strong mind. I always try to control myself, and I manage my mind not to be controlled by my subconscious mind. Throughout the day I am faced with challenges that directly affect my subconscious. Either the suicidal thoughts get louder, or they remain just a feeling.
Don't commit suicide: "I understand this is easier said than done, trust me. Hearing that people love you is great, but when a mental illness such as depression holds you back, it’s hard to believe. But you do not want that time of realization of how important you are to be when it’s too late."
I should explain better; sometimes being suicidal is different than suicidal thoughts. It’s an actual feeling. The feeling that you have an itch you can’t scratch, that a dark cloud is shrouding you. It’s anxiety and depression, it’s mixed state. You’re drowning, there’s no air, and coming down from that feeling takes so long you think it’s impossible. You have blinders on and you don’t know what’s going to happen next. You just have to push through. And while this feeling is happening, you go through your day, as normal as you can, without feeding the feeling.
Sometime its more like reality, I feel like crying dead. I feel certain that I am going to be mad again. I feel we can’t go through another of those terrible times. And I shan’t recover this time. I begin to hear voices, and I can’t concentrate. 

I tried different methods to protest my depression and control my anxiety. I started thinking about my parents and my depression got worse. I started working hard, but I can't do properly and it won't work either. I started giving time with friends, gaining entertainment and much more but still it can't stop my depression. 

I am a pathetic awkward person that can’t handle anything in life and this is what I will always be. I’m too socially retarded to make friends and sometimes I don’t want to because people are really ignorant and mean and there’s no point in associating myself with rude people. but still I'm alive and I don't think I'm going to attempt any self killing action.

People with mental illness live in dark places and gray areas. It’s not something that shuts off and on — it comes in waves, it peaks and it fades. But these feelings are never gone. And I wish more than anything in this world they would disappear. I am a warrior of my own mind, and I will continue defending my inner peace. Every day may be hard; but it makes me stronger every day.

The truth is, life is full of beautiful things. If you ever seriously consider any self-harm activities, think about the little things that always bring smiles to your face. Maybe it is the smell of coffee in the morning after a long night of good sleep; Maybe it is stepping into a steaming shower; Or maybe it is nothing more complex than just looking out the window and watching the raindrops race each other to the bottom. Remember these little things and hold them in your heart because you will not be able to enjoy these things if you are dead.

Editors Note: Please remember that you are loved, and life will always get better. It sometimes surprises you with bad, but it can also turn around and surprise you with good. You are a beautiful, strong person, and I am proud of you for surviving until now. You are a survivor; do not let anything win.
If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.