It's killing me. I feel like I'm dead inside, emotionally to life in general. Apparently, I've been depressed for a few years. I...

Depression Kills Me Before I Actually Dead

It's killing me. I feel like I'm dead inside, emotionally to life in general. Apparently, I've been depressed for a few years. I used to be very emotional and vulnerable, and I got my feelings hurt a lot. Those times when I'm not feeling like I need to run mindlessly screaming over something emotionally tearing at me. I would like to take more time, but I'm afraid, sometime I'm having suicidal thoughts
Everyone dies, its the universal truth. Sadly, I'm dying thousands of little deaths before my final & official death and entering to the eternity.

I'm emotionally dead, because of fear & depression


Depression Kills Me Before I Actually Dead
Now, I just don't care about anything, few things affect me, and when they do, it's not with any real magnitude. All the things I used to love hardly have an effect on me know, and to be quite honest, it scares me. I'm afraid I'm going to turn into a heartless monster. I want to feel, but at the same time, I could care less.
"I have no idea what's happening to me but I'm emotionally feeling dead inside."
The constant indifference is definitely good protection, but I miss feeling things sometimes, even if they made me cry. It kind of feels like I'm dead; like I'm watching myself from somewhere else, while my shell just walks around.

I'm emotionally dead inside because of my fear

Fear. Fear I can’t do it. Fear I’m not good enough, determined enough, tough enough, talented enough. That I’ll suck. That I’ll find out I really AM the laziest person in the world (I feel so lazy sometimes, but I suspect that’s the fear holding me back.) Or maybe that I’ll succeed and won’t be able to handle it. I hate how it paralyzes me.

Fear. I have a diagnosed anxiety disorder, so fear is the biggie for me. And yet, I still keep people in my life that increase my anxiety through their toxicity or “well meaning” advice, I still procrastinate instead of doing things to make my life better today.
 


I’ve actually been using my depression and anxiety issues as more of an excuse than anything rather than just doing what I need to do to make myself happy. I’m easily discouraged cause it seems as though every time I try to do things that better myself, I get thrown back 10 steps to the 1 I actually made and get fed up!

And just settle but I don’t want to live like that anymore actually I CAN’T continue to live like this because, I feel as if I’m on my death bed now (mentally and emotionally) and I can’t take it anymore. Aren't this a deadly living life?

I'm alone! ...feelings, Along with my stress and depressed mind, I have feelings of loneliness. Sometimes it drives me insane, while many people, friends, family members living around me. In general I'm not alone, least no one gonna believe this, but I'm alone inside my heart. There is a little space for someone else who is very special to me. I hope I could be able to recover this situation and heal all those pains. Common and heal me!

If you are having similar problem, then you should read below portion of this article, I hope this will help you a little to heal your pains and getting back on track. 
"Everyone dies. Not everyone really lives.” -William Sachs Wallace

Thoughts on Depression

Depression is many things to many people. The common perception of depression is that you’re “just” really sad all the time, and while this is true for many who suffer depression, this is not a universal norm. Some people don’t feel sad, peruse, they feel nothing; they feel dead inside.

So, What’s it Like to Feel Dead Inside?

It’s hard to say what it’s like to feel dead inside. To me, it’s sort of like someone removed the contents of my chest and left a gaping void where there is nothing left but a painful, sucking black hole. It feels like all the places that are supposed to do something – my heart and my soul – have been removed. And this removal has left open, bleeding gashes. Wounds that tear and itch and bleed. And just knowing that my heart and soul have been removed is breathtakingly painful. Feeling their absence is like feeling the absence of oxygen from the lungs. It puts one into a panicked and near-death state.

And the thing about having your insides removed is that you really do feel the necrosis setting in in the surrounding tissue. It feels like you’re a rotting corpse. It feels like you’re the walking dead. It feels like your humanity was removed along with your insides.

Feeling Nothing with Depression

Then put me in front of a glorious scene. Put me in front of a glorious sunset. Set me in front of young love. Position me to gaze upon kittens playing. And all the sucking nothingness ensures an absolute lack of feeling. Kittens playing make me feel the same as staring at a wall of grey.

And experiencing this, knowing how much I’m missing, knowing what I should feel about kittens, knowing what I should feel about a sunset, knowing what I should feel about young love, almost makes me stop breathing altogether.
You’d Think Feeling Nothing Wouldn’t Kill You – You’d Be Wrong

Because somehow in all this nothingness, there exists pain. I can’t explain why pain exists when nothing else does; I only know that is the case. I only know that feeling a gaping void inside my chest is one of the most painful states of being that I know. And I know that escaping that feeling and the associated pain is bloody high on my to-do list.

Of course escape also means many things to many people, and it’s understandable when escape means death, means suicide – if you think there is no other means available.

Feeling the Pain of Feeling Nothing Inside

Luckily, other means are available. I would consider the absence of pleasure (anhedonia) a severe sign of depression and, in that case, I really don’t know what option you have other than working with a psychiatrist in search of a successful treatment. It’s not a minor thing and your less aggressive treatments strike me as being unworkable. But that’s your call.

Or, more specifically, my call. And I would say the important thing is treating it and knowing that treatment is available and does work. No one has to live with their insides scraped out. I’ve seen this before, I’ve lived through it, and I’ve seen it go away. I can say, without doubt, that it is possible. And hopefully, that knowledge is enough to keep going.

The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. The gift of life is yours. It’s an amazing journey, and you alone are responsible for the quality of it.” –Dan Zadra
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